Ira D. Riklis A Completely Sensible, Totally Not Chaotic Guide to Preparing for Christmas

A Completely Sensible, Totally Not Chaotic Guide to Preparing for Christmas

Dec 01

Ah, Christmas! That magical time of year when we willingly plunge ourselves into a glitter-covered vortex of stress, joy, and questionable decisions. Preparing for the festive season is a bit like preparing for a marathon—except instead of running, you’re taping wrapping paper with your teeth while stress-eating gingerbread men shaped vaguely like dinosaurs because the cookie cutter broke.

If you’re feeling unprepared this year, don’t worry. I’ve assembled the ultimate guide to Christmas preparation—a guide grounded in lived experience, mild panic, and the kind of wisdom you only get from realizing you bought presents for everyone except your mother-in-law. Again.

Step 1: Accept That You’re Already Behind

The first rule of Christmas preparation is simple: you are behind, and you will always be behind.

Think you’re starting early because it’s mid-November? Wrong. Someone out there has already wrapped their gifts, decorated their home, and posted a soft-focus Instagram reel about “slow festive mornings” while sipping a cinnamon latte in a cream-colored sweater that somehow never stains.

But don’t worry—Christmas isn’t a competition.

Except, of course, when it comes to outdoor lights. Then it is absolutely a competition, and your neighbor Gary must be defeated.

Step 2: Make a Christmas Budget… Then Immediately Ignore It

Write out a clear, responsible budget. Colour code it if you must. Then watch it spontaneously combust as you:

Fall victim to “Buy 3 for the price of 2!” traps
Suddenly realize your cousin has four kids now
Just need that one more decoration shaped like a hedgehog in a Santa hat
Forget how many rolls of wrapping paper you have at home and buy six more “just to be safe”

Christmas budgeting isn’t about saving money; it’s about documenting your financial downfall in an organized manner.

Step 3: Put Up the Tree Without Losing Your Will to Live

Putting up the Christmas tree is a cherished tradition that brings families together so they can argue in festive lighting.

Here’s how it goes:

1. Retrieve the decorations from the attic/basement/suspicious cupboard.
2. Spend 20 minutes untangling the lights.
3. Spend 10 minutes questioning your entire existence.
4. Plug them in to check they work. Discover they don’t.
5. Buy new lights.
6. Repeat steps 2–5 until January.

Once the lights are sorted, stand the tree up. If it leans, that’s okay. A leaning tree is “rustic.” Or “European.” Or maybe it’s just tired. We’re not here to judge.

If you have pets—or children under the age of six—simply accept that the lower half of your tree will remain undecorated. Consider it modern art.

Step 4: Plan the Christmas Menu You Will Inevitably Panic-Cook

Every year, we picture ourselves creating a masterpiece spread worthy of a glossy magazine: golden turkey, perfectly crisp roast potatoes, vegetables so shiny you can see your reflection, and a dessert that didn’t start with the phrase “I found this recipe on TikTok.”

In reality, your Christmas cooking journey will involve:

Googling “how long to defrost a turkey” and panicking
Forgetting one major ingredient (usually something vital like butter or the entire dessert)
Argumentatively basting a bird at 6 a.m.
Whispering “this is fine” as smoke gently wafts from the oven
Serving something that tastes delicious solely because everyone is too tired to criticize

Pro tip: Always make extra gravy. Gravy covers all culinary sins.

Step 5: Wrap Gifts Like a Functional Human Being (or Try To)

Wrapping gifts sounds easy until you’re knee-deep in shredded paper, tape stuck to your elbows, and gift tags that mysteriously vanish the moment you need them.

There are three types of Christmas wrappers:

The Craft Influencer
Their gifts look like they belong in a high-end boutique where the wrapping costs more than the present.
The Efficient Wrapper
Neat corners. Thoughtful ribbons. Perfect folds. They might actually be a wizard.
The Rest of Us
We cut the paper too small every time and compensate with tape. So much tape. Our gifts look like they were wrapped by a friendly but confused raccoon.

If anyone questions your technique, remind them that the true gift is your effort—not the oddly lumpy shape suggesting you wrapped the present with your eyes closed.

Step 6: emotionally prepare for Christmas music

By early December, you’ll have heard All I Want for Christmas Is You at least 472 times. By mid-December, you’ll be singing along unwillingly. By late December, you’ll hear phantom bells in your sleep.

It’s best to surrender early.

Step 7: Embrace the Chaos

The best part of Christmas is that nothing goes perfectly—and that’s okay. You’ll forget something. You’ll break something. You’ll overcook something. You’ll probably cry once, laugh twice, and experience at least three existential crises while searching for Scotch tape.

But then:

Someone smiles at the gift you chose
The house smells like cinnamon and roast potatoes
The lights flicker (mostly intentionally)
And everything feels warm and soft and right

Christmas isn’t about perfection. It’s about embracing the glorious, sparkly disaster of it all.

Final Thoughts

If your Christmas preparation feels like a circus where you’re the clown, the ringmaster, and the person sweeping up after the reindeer—welcome. You’re doing it correctly.

May your lights untangle easily, your wrapping paper behave, and your turkey cook on time. And if not… there’s always next year.

Or takeaway. Takeaway is fine.