Top 10 Divorce Jokes

Top 10 Divorce Jokes

Nov 12

Divorce HumorFor most of us, getting a divorce means moving on to bigger and better things, letting go of the past and not sweating the small stuff. The old saying that laughter is the best medicine (along with an apple a day and a glass of wine!) can help anyone get through a divorce–after all, you only live once!

Laugh Your Way Through Divorce

1. A wife found her husband of 20 years sitting at the kitchen table, looking thoughtful and forlorn as he wiped tears from his eyes. “What’s wrong?” she asked. He replies: “You remember when we were dating 20 years ago and your father caught us making out in the back seat of my car?” “Yes, of course”, the wife said. “And you remember he stuck a shotgun in my face and told me I had to marry his daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'” The wife nodded solemnly. The man then wiped another tear away and said, “You know…I would have gotten out today.”

2. I know a guy who just got divorced. His ex-wife decided to split the house with him–he got the outside.

3. A man asks a powerful wizard to remove a curse he’s been living with for 30 years. The wizard says he might be able to but first, he must know exactly the words used to utter the curse. Without hesitating, the man replied: “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

4. I would like to remarry my ex-wife but she won’t remarry me. She said I was only after my money.

5. Say what you want about my ex-wife but she has to be the best housekeeper ever–after being married and divorce five times, she managed to keep the house EVERY time!

6. A man asked his wife what she wanted for Valentine’s Day. She replied: “I’d really like a divorce”. Startled, he replied: “Whoa, I wasn’t expecting to spend that freaking much money!”

7. A man explained to the judge: “We were very happily married for six months–but we’ve been married for 15 years!”

8. A man threw himself across a grave and cried: “My life is senseless and worthless! If only you hadn’t died because cruel fate took you from this world–how different my life would have been!” A clergyman stopped and offered his condolences. “I’m sorry you lost someone of great importance to you”. “Importance?” the distraught man said. “Are you kidding? He was my wife’s first husband!”

9. A man was complaining to his bartender about suffering through two unhappy marriages: the first wife divorced him but his second wife wouldn’t.

10. A woman screeches into the driveway, runs into the house and screams: “Bob, pack your bags. I won the lottery!” The now-happy husband says, “That’s wonderful! Should I pack beach stuff or city stuff?” “Doesn’t matter,” she says. “Just get the heck out of here!”

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